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TOM TOUR 2004 NOTES
Abbreviations

AK – Andrew Keites CH – Chris Huelin DO – David Oliver GG – Guy Gothard HJ – Hugo Jacques IM – Iain McInnes JB – James Birch JJ – Justin Jouan JK – Julian Kett MV – Matthew Vincent RL – Rob Leader SB – Steven Bowen
Pre Tour Odds – (Jof the bookie)
6/4
Guy “I look over 50 (waist)” Gothard Chris “I’ll take on the red necks” Huelin Justin “Where’s the silver bullets” Jouan Hugo “Bum funnels all round” Jacques Andy “Have Pinehurst seen a red arrow before?” Keites Iain “Had more birds than Pete Stringfellow” McInnes
early betting
HJ – “$1 on Squadron
GG - $5 in Bridget’s panties at Pure Gold
JJ – more like $5 in Bob’s Y fronts at Pure Bald

Day 1 – travelling

IM – taxi controller on way to airport operating under the handle “big balls, small cock”.

JB
– “Dave, got the Mr Sheen with you or will the 5 legged widow be making a visit?”.
Steve Coppell was on the flight from Gatwick to Raleigh Durham.
At the AA checkout at Gatwick, DO – “do you think Guy should be wearing a Ryder Cup cap
… all it needs is the result to be flashing ?” HJ – “maybe with a reference to Pearl Harbour on
it” JJ – “or maybe a model of the twin towers on the top”.

JB
– “Iain, US immigration will also take a print of your genitals … sir, you’ll have to get off
the space hopper first.”
Evening meal at Hackers – letter from Spag – LOTS OF SHOUTING !!

Day 2 – Hyland Hills

HJ – “I might buy a toilet roll holder at Pinehurst. Maybe it will be called Pinehurst No. 2”
JB
– “I think I have caught Joff’s cold. HJ – “obviously snogging Joff last night” JJ – I was
doing a handstand at the time, HJ – “ a Dutch Windmill”.

CH
– “I had a client once that had a sex change, from man to woman, and he/she lived at
Bushmore Drive”. AK – “thought it would be Less Dick Lane”.
Dave the Turk was born.
Evening meal at Squire’s pub
Day 3 – The Pitt

HJ – one handed hit with putter, in anger, from 12th green towards 11th tee over water, landed
on the bank in front of the 11th tee, a carry of approx. 130 yards.

JB
– 25 feet golf cart skid – new tour record.
Lots of American shouts of “God damn it”.

JJ
– snapped driver shaft in two after throw.
JB – “Jof you need to log onto “chuckscostyoubucks .com”

JB
– “no such thing as bad publicity” IM – “except if you are a paedophile”.
DO/JJ – lost their ranking as top 4 ball pairing when they lost their first match in 5.
Evening meal at the Outback Steakhouse – BB’s birthday. During the meal, JJ went across
the road and bought a new driver (MP-001, 460cc (MF rocket launcher)
GG – achieves 8th individual win in tour history equalling the record jointly held by DO, HJ
& JK.
Day 4 – The Legacy

CH – the “Professor of pooh” at the Outback restaurant. (is it a touring pooh, club pooh,
teaching pooh) – becomes new tour mascot.

DO
– green piss on 5th hole in morning round.
Evening meal at Dugan’s Pub – waitress KD
CH – equalled the record of scoring a cumulative 1 under on the par 3’s in the round,
equalling the record jointly held by AK, HJ, GG, JB, JJ, JK & SB.
GG – became first Tom to achieve 30 rounds of 30+ points (AK & GG first to 10, JK first to
20 & 25).

Day 5 – Little River

DO – “get it all out”
HJ – “managed to get rid of the T, but the bone is still up there”
HJ – “anyone playing with Dave this tour is flying Hans Solo”.
On the way to Little River the Toms made a second trip to Bob’s golf shop (having blown
$700+ on first trip) HJ – “Bob’s saying the Jersey boys are here again lets get the old shit out”
JB – “he is on the phone to his wife saying get down to the travel agents we are going on
holiday.” HJ – “Dwayne get the price gun out” JB “Just heard that Bob’s just made it onto the
US Rich List”.
Bob, on the reason why he gave HJ a sizeable discount on his purchases, “ … you look the
king of guy that would put something through the window if I didn’t”.

Evening meal at Lin’s China Garden (Chinese “Or-u-can-ee” Buffet (AK)) - $1.75 each
including beer.

Day 6 – Talamore / Carolina

HJ
– “how are you this morning Dave ?”
DO
– stiff, but not in a good way.
HJ
– hey Pele, still got the old erectile dysfunction. Have you tried Levitra ?”
The 10th hole at Talamore was the 1,000th hole in Tom Tour history.
HJ – TC Chen at 1st hole at Carolina.
Carolina became the 2nd toughest course played when the Toms scored a cumulative 200
points (average 25 each). Diamondback morning round retains status as toughest, averaging
24 each.
Tour Pooh (the mascot) gets split in half so he can ride in both cars.
Evening meal at Pizza Hut – enough said !
JB – set new all time record of 7 consecutive rounds with 10 or more pars. JB held previous
record of 6.
Day 7 – Anderson Creek

HJ
– “the courses yesterday were long and all carry.” JJ – yes “hari kari”.
Evening meal at Outback (again) – BB’s second birthday of the tour.

JB
– achieves 7 consecutive 4 Ball wins, breaking previous record of 5 held by SB.

JB
– achieves 6th consecutive top 3 finish, breaking the record of 5 previously held by AK &
JK.

Day 8 – Pinewild
Pinewild golf pro to JB – “Sir, how big are your girlfriend’s breasts ?”
GG – TC Chen
HJ – “I should have a hat with all the driving I’m doing – I feel like driving Miss Daisy”

Evening meal at Ragazzi’s – fake Italian restaurant – first corked bottle of wine in tour history
(actually the first bottle of wine drunk in tour history)

IM
– achieved 30th 4 ball win. (JJ first to 10, JK first to 20 & 25).
GG
– on the 10th hole in the morning round, achieved his 500 th par in Tom history. (JK first
to 100, GG first to 200, 300 & 400).
DO - achieves 9th individual win in tour history breaking the record held previously by DO,
GG, HJ
& JK.

JB
– morning round saw the 21st consecutive round where JB’s handicap has not been
adjusted upwards, breaking his own record of 12.

JB
– played to +7, which is 6 below normal handicap, breaking the record of 5 shots below
real handicap, jointly held by DO, JB, JK & SB.

GG
- achieves 9th individual win in tour history equalling the record held by DO.

Day 9 – Mid South

JJ
– TC Chen with putter
AK
– shuffleboard champ of Duffer’s Cottage
Evening meal at La Terrace – poshest restaurant in North Carolina – waiter thought that Becks
was a French beer.

DO
& GG – become first Toms with 30 top 3’s. (AK first to 10, GG first to 20, JK first to
25)
IM – secured him 200th 3+ point hole on the 14th hole. (IM first to 50, 100 & 150).
DO – achieves 4 consecutive rounds reducing handicap, breaking the record of 3 held by DO,
GG, IM, JK
& SB.


Day 10 – Tobacco Road

Tour pooh died.

CH
– experiences first Tour cigar.

Evening meal back at Hackers.
AK - achieves 9th individual win in tour history equalling the record held by DO & GG.
DO
– in afternoon round became the only Tom to have consecutive 4+ point holes.
JB – on the 13th hole during the afternoon round completed 21 consecutive holes without
dropping a shot, breaking his own record of 15.
AK – in morning round equalled the all time individual winning margin of 6 points held by
JB, JK & SB.
GG – played his 40th round playing under his real handicap (JK first to 10, GG first to 20, 25
& 30).
DO – becomes first Tom to win 10 individual rounds, breaking the record of 9 held by AK,
DO
& GG.


Day 11 – The Neuse and travelling back

Big day for JJ. After getting a lift home with HJ in a Policecar (after the pub), JJ equals IM’s
all time best round of 40 points. After the round (bearing in mind we were still 30 minutes
from the airport, two hours from Pinehurst and 2 and a half hours until take off), JJ discovers
that he has left his passport and driving licence in Duffer’s Cottage. Other Toms suitably
sympathetic and supportive ! Other options were to fly later that evening to New York or
Washington and then fly back to London, stay an extra night in Pinehurst and play No. 2 with
JB, minimum of 7 months flying back and forth between Gatwick and Raleigh Durham until
citizenship can be established and either the US or London will allow him in, a week on
Miami beach.

JJ – with an 8 point win, broke the previous record of 6 points held by AK, JB, JK & SB.
JB – achieved 18th consecutive round of 30+ points using real handicap.

In the car on the way to Raleigh Durham airport, doing approx. 85 in the outside lane of 4, DO
– “Can I make the turn off” HJ, JB & JJ - “no” DO – “I can make the turn” - HJ – “no”.
DO – “I am going for it” HJ – “Dave, you will kill us all !”

JB
– achieved 10 consecutive rounds with 2 or more birdies, breaking the previous record of 5
held by JB & JK.
JB
– achieved 26 consecutive rounds with 1 or more birdies, breaking the previous record of
12 held by JK.
JJ
– played the par 5’s in 3 under par equalling the record held by SB.
JB
– played 9th consecutive round where he has scored par or better on the par 5’s

End of Tour record broken
JB
– won 14 out of 16 categories breaking his own record of 12.
JJ
– achieved the largest margin 23 (40 & 17) between highest and lowest rounds both in a
tour and all time, breaking previous record of held by HJ of 21 points ( 39 & 18).

JB
– averaged 12 pars a round on the Tour
Following a secret ballot, the courses played on the 2004 TOM Tour were ranked thus:-

Mid South picked up 4 first places, the only other first place nominations were Tobacco Road
with 3, The Pitt and Talamore with 2 each.
This compared with the 2002 ballot of:-

4 Ball records of current Toms - ranked

HJ / JB – 100% (5 out of 5)
GG / SB – 100% (3 out of 3)
JJ / SB – 100% (3 out of 3)
GG / MV – 100% (2 out of 2)
CH / GG – 100% (1 out of 1)
RL / SB – 100% (1 out of 1)

JB / JJ – 88% (3 ½ out of 4)
DO / JJ – 83% (5 out of 6)
JB / SB – 83% (2 ½ out of 3)
IM / JK – 79% (5 ½ out of 7)
AK / JB – 79% (5 ½ out of 7)
GG / HJ – 75% (3 out of 4)
GG / IM – 70% (7 out of 10)
AK / MV – 67% (2 out of 3)
DO / SB – 67% (2 out of 3)
IM / SB – 67% (2 out of 3)
AK / JK – 64% (4 ½ out of 7)
JB / JK – 63% (2 ½ out of 4)
CH / DO – 63% (2 ½ out of 4)
DO / JB – 60% (3 out of 5)
IM / JB – 60% (3 out of 5)
DO / HJ – 57% (4 out of 7)
JJ / JK – 57% (4 out of 7)
DO / GG – 56% (4 ½ out of 8)
…………………………………………………………………………………………
AK / HJ – 50% (2 ½ out of 5)
HJ / JK – 50% (2 out of 4)
AK / SB – 50% (1 ½ out of 3)
IM / RL – 50% (1 ½ out of 3)
JK / SB – 50% (1 ½ out of 3)
MV / SB – 50% (1 ½ out of 3)
CH / IM – 50% (1 out of 2)
CH / JB – 50% (1 out of 2)
HJ / RL – 50% (1 out of 2)
JB / RL – 50% (½ out of 1)
AK / IM – 44% (4 out of 9)
DO / JK – 43% (3 out of 7)
GG / JB – 43% (3 out of 7)
JK / RL – 40% (2 out of 5)
HJ / JJ – 40% (2 out of 5)
HJ / IM – 36% (2½ out of 7)
DO / IM – 35% (3 ½ out of 10)
AK / GG – 35% (4 ½ out of 13)
CH / HJ – 33% (1 out of 3)
AK / RL – 33% (1 out of 3)
JJ / RL – 33% (1 out of 3) GG / JK – 30% (1 ½ out of 5) DO / MV – 25% (½ out of 2) IM / MV – 25% ((½ out of 2) IM / JJ – 25% (1 ½ out of 6) AK / DO - 25% (2 out of 8) AK / JJ – 20% (1 out of 5) AK / CH – 0% (0 out of 1) CH / JJ – 0% (0 out of 1) JB / MV – 0% (0 out of 1) JK / MV – 0% (0 out of 1) DO / RL – 0% (0 out of 4) GG / RL – 0% (0 out of 5) GG / JJ – 0% (0 out of 6)

Source: http://www.tomtour.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/2004-TOM-TOUR-NOTES1.pdf

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