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Microsoft word - rupert and the seven oct 10.doc
This play is free to download and perform. The only condition is that you must email Alex at [email protected]
and let him know where and when you produced his script, listing the director, cast and theatre. If you have any production photos send them along as well and they may just end up on this website.
Various locations around Sydney. Or any other city.
Rupert and the Seven Russian Email Brides
ON STAGE IS A DESK, PILED HIGH WITH FOLDERS AND PAPERS.
(TO AUDIENCE) Recently I have become engaged to no less than seven Russian women.
My name is Vera. I am 27 years old. I'm from Russia,.
My name is Alena. I am a nice young girl from Russia, without harmful habits.
(INDICATING THE GIRLS) Tatyana, Vera, Darya
Hello my friend !!!! You probably do not know who I and what for I have written to you the letter.
Hello man ! Write to you the woman from Russia. My name Tatyana to me of 26 years!
Okay – well not all of their names are exotic. And they are all mysteriously between the ages of 26 and 30.
SABRYN B. Hello, my gentleman I know that you are a very attractive man,
and I hope for our future relationships,
Through the swirl of free Viagra and offers to enlarge my manhood, they offer me a world of unparalleled opportunity.
SABRYN B: I believe in faith in my life and I will meet my real second half
Which for me, sitting in this dingy office, pounding through these spreadsheets
I dream to have strong and happy family.
Is not unattractive. They are all gainfully employed:
They live in delightful rural towns and important cities.
TATYANA: Yoshkar-Ola. It is 1000 km from capital Russia Moscow. DARYA:
They give me their vital statistics: Height -
They send me photographs. Fully clothed.
Bright, smiling, snapshots. A picnic in the countryside, dancing at a nightclub, shopping in the city.
I work as the manager of the small company. I like my work and it is a good money if I work hard.
TATYANA: I have my mother and father here but I don't live with them. I rent
an apartment not far from my work and my family's home.
I had a cat, but in one day it has left on street and has not returned.
In Russia it is not possible to live easy.
And they have all had various problems with the opposite sex.
SABRYN B.: It is a lot of men in Russia to drink alcohol much to not like I. ALENA:
I said this good news to him, but he told that he does not want our meeting.
I thought it would be great to meet someone who is open to anything
I would be happy to be friends, lovers or create a serious relationship!
TATYANA: We will see what happens! RUPERT:
On long mornings – and even longer afternoons - I imagine we go for a picnic in the woods.
THE GIRLS UNFURL A PICNIC BLANKET AND OPEN A PICNIC BASKET. THE LIGHTS CHANGE TO SUGGEST A WOOD.
I recline on the blanket with my head resting in Alena’s lap, under the -
Tatyana sits nearby reading from a book of short stories by Alexander Pushkin
Which is a traditional Russian folk instrument, while Sabryn B and Darya –
And Olga dance the Pryvit for me, which is a
I could stay here forever. If not for –
THE GIRLS DANCE NEAR THE TABLE AND ONE OF THEM KNOCKS SOME FOLDERS ON TO THE FLOOR.
RUPERT GOES OVER AND PICKS UP THE FOLDERS.
I print out all their pictures on the office printer and stick them up around my desk. Which is what – strangely enough – one day leads me to meet Petra.
(ENTERING) Are these all your girlfriends ?
Having six wives is illegal isn’t it ?
Seven. (POINTING TO THE PICTURES) Darya, Tatyana, Vera, Alena, Sabryn B, Natalia and Olga.
Say no more. I’m Petra. Accounts payable.
Rupert. Accounts overdue. (TO AUDIENCE) Could my Russian ladies have brought a local one to my door ? (TO PETRA) Another A.
Like my harem. All their names end in A too. Except Sabryn, which ends in B.
(TO AUDIENCE) She’s funny. And smart. And cute. And even better - real. Before I know it I’ve made my move. (TO PETRA) You should join us for a picnic sometime.
It turns out it was, as the following Sunday we’re off for a picnic
tree. There was no wild mushrooms or berries. Just
(TO RUPERT) My sister thought I was crazy to go out with you.
I said he works in accounts overdue. He can’t be an axe murderer.
Don’t you know ? That’s where they keep all the axe murderers. You don’t pay, you get – (HE MIMES CHOPPING AN AXE)
If that’s the quality of all your gags. You can stop now.
(TO AUDIENCE) I like the way she smiles.
Things were going well but then Vera turned up.
VERA ENTERS PLAYING THE BALALAIKA. SHE SITS BETWEEN RUPERT AND PETRA.
TATYANA ENTERS RECITING PUSHKIN LOUDLY IN RUSSIAN.
(TO RUPERT) So how long have you been at Boring and Grind?
(TRYING TO SEE AROUND VERA) Sorry. What was that ?
ALENA AND NATALIA ENTER. ALENA PULLS RUPERT DOWN SO HE IS RESTING ON HER LAP. NATALIA BEGINS TO STUFF MUSHROOMS AND BERRIES IN HIS MOUTH.
I said how long have you been at Boring and Grind ? That’s what we call it. Down on the 5th floor.
(LOUDLY) I’m sorry. I can’t hear you.
DARYA, OLGA AND SABRYN B ENTER AND START DANCING.
(TO AUDIENCE) Very soon after that I developed a raging headache and had to go home.
PETRA AND ALL THE GIRLS SUDDENLY EXIT TAKING THE PICNIC ITEMS WITH THEM.
And that I thought was that. But a week later I ran into Petra at the photocopying machine and after profuse apologies, she let me take her to dinner. And this time there were no unexpected visitations. The night went well. We ended up back at my place.
Here we are. Can I get you a tea, coffee, double-malt scotch ?
And I’m so glad you turned out to be normal.
A little. That day in the park. I thought you were seeing things.
It was like you were surrounded by your Russian Harem.
Must’ve been feeding you magic mushrooms.
Well, now it’s just us. (HOLDING UP BOTTLE) All I seem to have is vodka.
RUPERT COMES OVER WITH THE VODKA. HE SITS AND POURS THE DRINKS. THEY ARE VERY CLOSE. FOR A MOMENT IT SEEMS THEY MIGHT KISS THEN PETRA SEES A BOOK ON THE TABLE.
(PICKING IT UP) I think you’re obsessed.
Vodka and … (READING TITLE) “The stories of Alexander Pushkin”. You’ve got Russia on the brain ?
TATYANA ENTERS. SHE GRABS THE BOOK FROM PETRA’S HANDS AND STARTS READING LOUDLY AGAIN IN RUSSIAN.
NATALIA AND ALENA ENTER AND TRY TO START FEEDING MUSHROOMS AND BERRIES TO RUPERT.
(TO ALENA AND NATALIA) I don’t want to.
OLGA, DARYA AND SABRYN B ENTER. THEY DANCE AROUND RUPERT IN A CIRCLE, PREVENTING HIM FROM REACHING PETRA.
(TO OLGA, DARYA AND SABRYN B.) Leave me alone !
BUT SHE IS GONE. RUPERT SITS, FURIOUS. BEAT.
THEN OLGA STEPS FORWARD. SHE KISSES RUPERT ON THE LIPS. SHE STEPS BACK.
RUPERT OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AT THE GIRLS. HE OPENS HIS ARMS WIDE.
ALL THE GIRLS RUN TO HIM AND SMOTHER HIM WITH HUGS AND KISSES. RUPERT DISAPPEARS UNDERNEATH THEM. THE LIGHTS CHANGE. RUPERT NOW SITS AT HIS DESK, WORKING. THE GIRLS SURROUND HIM – ALENA AND NATALIA FEEDING HIM BERRIES AND MUSHROOMS, VERA GENTLY STRUMMING THE BALALAIKA, THE OTHER GIRLS STROKING HIS HAIR AND FACE. PETRA ENTERS. SHE STOPS WHEN SHE SEES RUPERT. HE LOOKS UP AND THEIR EYES MEET. BEAT. RUPERT LOWERS HIS EYES AND RETURNS TO WORK. BEAT. PETRA LEAVES.
(TO AUDIENCE) You know what they say – seven brides are better than one.
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